Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Truck Creams Freshly Erected Light Post, Frankenstein Bleating Continues Unabated - Fancy News

This morning a trailer truck driver misjudged distances and took an ill-fated turn 'round a prominent downtown corner with a crisp and dramatic movement. The incident was witnessed by one citizen who happened to be standing right there on the sidewalk, innocently smoking a tobacco cigarette and watching the morning parade of automobiles and pedestrians - she volunteered that she happened to be watching the truck approach, and as a person not unfamiliar with the management of a moving tractor trailer rig she continued to watch with amazement growing into horror as she realized that the physics of speed and direction were going to lead to a bad result, and as her eyes bugged at the unfolding scenario the impact occured, producing an incredible physical shock and loud noise that made her start to the point that she completely lost track of her refreshing pause and found completely interrupted her morning wa.

The driver and his rig had neatly clipped one of the recycled 1970's era light poles that fill the main intersection in the center of Springfield, Vermont, City of Lights and Official Home of the Simpsons, and flipped it, sending it's base flying smartly several feet towards the Comptu Falls, missing the witness and the corner storefront window by about eleven degrees of arc, and causing the upper lamp to come to rest on the roof of the unfortunately misdirected trailer.

How it is that such an accident hasn't happened before or more often, and how it is that on this occasion the damage was confined to just one light post among the gathering of different utility poles on each of the four corners, is a question that will challenge great minds for years and years to come, but the fact is that no one was injured (beyond the wicked start suffered by the witness and the embarrassment suffered by Alex, the driver), and not one of the fine modern traffic lights was damaged.

Most significantly, the odious and mindlessly repetetive bleating of the taunting audio "alert", (designed to confuse/entrap the blind and drive mad the local office workers and nearby residents), didn't miss a single mindless beat, beat, beat.

When asked, the driver offered, with a truely charming Canadian accent redolent of the North Woods of Further Canuckia, that he had been driving rigs for about a year now. He also offered that he felt shock, consternation and dismay to think that the town of Springfield, Vermont, City of Lights and Official Home of the Simpsons, had posted woefully inadequate signage that attempted to apprise drivers of road conditions in town, signage thoroughly ambiguous in it's directions to truck drivers and confusing to anyone not familiar with the thinking behind it, and he felt he should have never been led to such a close intersection.

Perhaps it is just as well that the unfortunate driver didn't have to also struggle through the horrid little flyer inflicted on the citizens announcing a meeting to explain the traffic changes, handed out last week at the last minute by the local Chamber of Commerce (who said "dead wood and old logs"?), a flyer that appeared to have been composed as an afterthought, and which certainly was printed and distributed without even the most basic cursory editing (this flyer was too unprofessionally produced to bear a second read, or to even preserve at all, and it is not reproduced here out of respect for literate people everywhere).